Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
