someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
