My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
