Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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