meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
