Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
