I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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