We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
