Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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