Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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