There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
