I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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