there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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