If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
