Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize