He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
