Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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