my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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