I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
