PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
