Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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