i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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