Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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