I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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