: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
