a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize