Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
