I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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