I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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