I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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