Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
