New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize