I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
