Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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