my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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