I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
