This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize