I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
