I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
