he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
