If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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