Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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