Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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