My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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