If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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