Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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