Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
