He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
