her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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