I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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