the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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