There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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