how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
