Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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