none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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