Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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