So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
