Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
