My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
