Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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