cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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