we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
