Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
her facebook's as public as her vagina
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
My bed smells like the plague
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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