I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
