I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
