Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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