Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
