Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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