wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
