She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
