when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
