She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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