I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
