I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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